What Should Have Been
by UsayImaDreamer
Summary: What if Edward had made the difficult choice? A short fic based after the first part of Breaking Dawn. SPOILERS, obviously. DO NOT READ if you have not read BREAKING DAWN!


**DISCLAIMER: **These characters belong to Stephenie Meyer. This story contains **SPOILERS **for **BREAKING DAWN. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED THE BOOK YET!! **

"Bella…"

A voice called my name, distantly, trying to pull me out of my morphine haze. I screwed my eyes shut tighter against the sound of his voice. I didn't want to wake up; I wanted to stay lost in the numb darkness Carlisle's drugs had provided. At least in this dark state my heart couldn't absorb the shattering impact it had suffered the day before, the day we arrived back in Forks from our honeymoon.

Cool fingers trailed down the side of my face, gently pushing back the damp hair that had crusted around my face… from tears or sweat, I couldn't be sure. I didn't want to know anymore.

"Bella, love," Edward's velvet voice soothed through my darkness. "Please wake up… I know you can hear me."

I couldn't squeeze my lids any tighter. A sneaky tear escaped from my eye, trailing a familiar path down the flush on my cheeks. His hand brushed it away softly, quickly… erasing the evidence of the pain he had forced me in.

"You'll have to give her time," another voice in the room said softly. "Losing a child-"

Edward's growl struck my heart like a puncture. "That _thing _was _not_ a child," he spat. "You heard what Carlisle said. It would have _killed_ her Esme." I heard him sigh heavily, trying to calm himself.

"Edward, you don't understand the bond a mother has to her…" Esme trailed off slowly, respecting the fact that Edward was still calming down from his snap. "The bond a mother has to what is growing inside her, _no matter how abominable it may be_… it's a vicious bond to sever."

Edward spoke through gritted teeth. "I understand that you, of all people, can feel her pain, Esme, I really do." I heard him unclench his jaw and I felt his head lower to the bed next to my arm. His cool hands took one of mine and held tight. "But what would come to pass, if we allowed her to keep…"

I heard him sigh heavily again, the pain fluttering out of his breath like waves of sadness. There was a familiar tugging at my heart; despite the pain and loss I felt from the center of my being, hearing the pain in Edward's breath startled me. I was not _alone_ in my suffering. Edward was a part of my every ache, my every pain… my every torture now. How could I have forgotten our bond so easily? I released some of the pressure on my eyelids.

When Edward spoke again, his voice was broken and mumbled into my arm. "I cannot exist in a world without her, Esme. Even if there was a child from all of that… I could never look at it without… _blaming_ it for killing her." Edward's voice shook and broke as if he were crying. "I'd blame _myself _for killing her."

There was a soft shuffle and I knew Esme had left the room, left her son to grieve in silence. I couldn't resist the anger that was still festering in my empty womb; how long had I even known I was pregnant? Was it really long enough for me to develop such a bond, such an emotional tie, like Esme said? It had only been inside me for several days and already I wanted to weep at the empty space left behind.

Edward's cool face did not move from my arm and I could not feel his sweet breath against my skin. Hesitantly, I opened my eyes. I was shocked to see myself in a hospital bed, set up in the middle of Carlisle's study, an IV running some sort of fluid into my right arm. I tilted my head towards my left; he didn't move an inch but I knew he was aware of me.

"I… am a monster," he mumbled.

My heart clenched again to see him in such pain. Yes, I was suffering, but to add his guilt was unbearable. I tried to grin but it felt too forced on my stiff face. "You've used that one already."

He looked up from my arm, his eyes dark and sorrowful. The bruises below them were sharply defined against skin that was paler than normal. I raised my hand up and ran it along his jaw before letting it flop back down to the bed, lifeless. His hands gathered it again and raised it back to his cheek, holding it there.

"I'll never forgive myself for the pain I've caused you… for this. For all of this," he spoke, pain etched into every syllable. His eyes wandered to my stomach. I followed his gaze; although the area was covered by blankets, I was curious to see what it looked like. How had they extracted the little nudger from me?

My hands went to lift the blanket but Edward's flew over mine, protectively. He was trembling as he shook his head. "Later Bella… we can look at it later."

_We_. A tiny part of me was glad he was suffering through this with me. I still didn't know any of the details and I wondered if I'd ever even ask. Probably not. It was easier not to miss something the less you knew about it… right?

I realized Edward was staring at me, waiting for me to speak again. My throat felt dry and constricted; I wasn't sure what words I could speak. What could I say that wouldn't worsen the pain for him?

"You did… what you thought was right," I finally sighed, letting my eyes close softly again. I couldn't bear to see the twisted pain on his face, the pain I was feeling all too real in my heart. "You saved me. I was listening to you earlier, talking to Esme… and I thank you for that. For saving me."

Edward's head lowered back to the bed; I could still feel him shaking. "Bella… I don't deserve to be with you," he moaned. "All I do is hurt you."

I raised my hand lazily and stroked it through his bronze hair, trying to stroke the pain away. I wished it could be that easy, that pain could be mended with a simple stroke, a caress to make things right. "We tried, Edward. We tried and it didn't work out like we hoped." He raised his head to look at my eyes. "We'll try again… _after_ you change me," I added hastily, responding to the rapid terror that pierced his gaze.

He breathed a sad sigh of relief. "I can't believe that after all this… you still want _me_. That you still want a life like… _this_."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Edward, you honestly think I could live any other life than the eternity I want with you?" I shook my head quickly. "I made up my mind long ago. I _married_ you. I _love_ you. No matter what happens to us."

His dark eyes smoldered into mine. "Forever," he whispered, raising his lips to press them cool against my forehead.

"Yes," I mumbled back, feeling the medicated haze start to creep back over, claiming my coherency.

Edward crawled up next to me on the bed, cradling me in his arms gently. His lips hovered below my ear, whispered lowly to me even though I couldn't understand his words. Then he spoke clearly. "If you really wanted a child… we could find a way Bella." He said this reluctantly and I imagined he already had some sort of ridiculous plan in his complex mind.

I shook in his arms. "No," I whispered. "At first, it seemed like something I might have wanted… but now, without it…" I could feel him tense as he winced; his one hand moved slowly towards my stomach, holding me softly. It felt like a reassuring presence; the emptiness that had just existed there, burning a hole inside of me, felt full again. Complete. "I'll never want or love anyone more than you Edward. _Ever_."

Edward's lips pressed against my neck in a delicate pattern. "I feel the same for you, Bella. And I promise… as soon as you're well again…" His lips found mine and pressed softly. "I'll make you like me."

I could sense some reluctance still in this promise, but I sighed and leaned into his chest. My hands pressed against him, where his heart would have been pounding. "And we can live our eternity. You and me." My words had lowered to a mumble. Soon I would succumb to the numb sleep.

He spoke again, softly, but I couldn't discern the words. As I drifted back into the blackness in his protective embrace, I knew our futures were so weaved together, so intricately bound that I would never feel whole if I couldn't be close to him like this. His sweet breath was against my neck and my lullaby was whispered in my ear… and I slipped away into dreams of forever.

Just Edward and I…always.


End file.
